Loneliness has taken over the best part of my last 3 months now. It's one thing to spend time with yourself, another thing entirely to start delving inside one's mind for solace. Especially when the floor of the pit is not too appealing...
I came to Bhopal in the 3rd week of April, as part of my field job and to learn the nuances of my future responsibilities (when the training period ends). It's been 3 months now. While the work has been teaching me lots, I am doubtful about the after-work scenario. And, judging by the fact that I haven't killed myself, I assume that I am accepting myself slowly. Swimming a lot though, only to pass away the evening hours in a haze of blue.
One could say this is my crap karma coming back to haunt me. Another could say this kind of lone time will be good for me, taking me to a higher clarity about the purpose and path of my life. Yet another could say that it's abnormal for a 24 year old to be unable to make friends in a new city. Only my vices are my true companions. Whatever the case be, bottom line is - being lonely is good only if you need a break, not a sabbatical!
Moving on, I faced the second round of SSB interviews two weeks ago and came out looking horribly. I kept guessing where I went wrong, unable to pinpoint a single major thing in a bunch of so many wrongdoings. Anyways, water under the bridge... This is not the first time I messed up an interview and it definitely won't be the last. Plus, I shudder to think of myself as a disciplined professional! :-P
For want of something different, many of my classmates recently got married. And I ask myself - these people are the same age as I, how can they get MARRIED at this time?! Isn't marriage a lifelong, sacred commitment that binds two souls into consecutive phases of intermittent love-hate episodes with a child or two thrown in to create balanced relationship dynamics until you start questioning your's or your soul-mate's sanity aloud?!?!
And I answer myself thus - You are asking the wrong person. I m hardly anything more than an overgrown schoolboy, at best a college guy devoid of significant seriousness and sincerity towards the future. One day I wish to be a mechanic, another day I think of writing for a living, and then the next I ponder over lives of those less fortunate than me. In the end, I have a one-sided discussion with my conscience which result in falling asleep more confused than before.
My fickle-mindedness fazes out the moment I realise that I can keep going on in a regular income job without risking my neck out there. Never have I tasted the sweet pain of desperation that brings out the animal inside us. That animal which cannot take no for an answer when it comes to their goals. And the very same animal who takes you from a troubled mind to euphoria at the end.
How does someone figure out their path in life? Or do people actually ever figure it out?